Prison visits are a lifeline to the outside for those blessed to have visitors. But a visit can quickly devolve into a wasted opportunity if a prisoner and his visitor don’t connect. How can that happen? How can it be avoided?

My husband served more than six years in prison. Visiting him required an nine-hour drive roundtrip, longer depending on traffic and number of stops needed to care for the needs of our four boys, ages 1 ½ to 8. Because of the distance and the restricted visiting hours we always visited for two days. We spent the night in a motel near the prison to maximize our time together. Thus, getting out of town took some organization. A week before the visit I paid for an oil change and car check-up. The day before we left, I filled the car with gas and packed as much as possible because we needed to leave by 5 A.M. To save money we all stayed in one motel room so I packed sleeping bags, pillows, and suitcases/backpacks. Each boy needed two changes of clothes, sleepwear, and toiletries. When my youngest was still a baby I needed extra diapers, oxygen tanks (for health difficulties), and plenty of extra clothes.

With my husband incarcerated, finances were lean. Therefore, I packed snacks, juices, cookies, fruit and vegetables, sandwiches, and soft drinks in a cooler to avoid expensive restaurants or fast-food restaurants. I also packed books, games, music tapes/CDs, to keep us all entertained during the long drive. I called the boys’ coaches, church, and school leaders to notify them of our absence at weekend events and games.

After a quick breakfast and showers we finished packing the car. Occasionally, as a treat and to save time, I would stop for donuts on the way out of town. I had to time the drive to arrive before count to maximize our visiting time. I tried to feed the boys from the lunch in our cooler before we arrived at the prison. This was nutritiously much better than any of the foods available from the prison vending machines, and much cheaper. I had to consider our clothing so that we followed prison guidelines. I had to remember to bring rolls of quarters, and to not get uptight when the boys spent our few precious coins on "junk food" from the prison vending machines. I had to be patient with the prison system, their rules, and often detached or condescending manner of some of the correctional officials.

Our first visit to the prison was particularly stressful. I didn’t know where I was going or what to expect. I didn’t even know the route to get there. I worried about where I would park, what the prison would look like, and how traumatic it would be on the boys and me. Would they strip-search us? Would they be kind, or sarcastic and mean? Would we go behind high walls, locked bars, and visit between glass, video cameras, or open rooms? The uncertainty of the first visit made for a very stressful drive. The word prison automatically conjures up certain frightening images, to say the least.

So before we even entered the prison, I was worked up. It’s an emotional and economic strain no matter how many visits a person makes. In addition to car maintenance, traffic, long distances, overnight planning, and costs I had the "daily life issues" simmering in the forefront of my mind: single parenting, rent, utilities, yard work, house keeping, laundry, meals, and work responsibilities to consider. I also worried about seeing my husband, whom I loved, in the prison environment. Add to that some latent anger for the predicament he had placed the boys and me in.

Yet, I couldn’t wait to see him, to feel his love, share the burden of the boys and life with him, and to not be the sole provider for everything. We were a couple again and I wasn’t alone. So as these emotions washed through me I would feel relief, love, comfort, and yet also anger, frustration, and often helplessness.

It would be easy for a visit to go south fast, without considering the following. Expect your loved one’s emotions to be at extremes. They may be all smiles and full of love one moment, and just as quickly be in tears and filled with anger the next. Societal pressures are usually heavy on the family members. I felt like a leper or walking aids case when someone found out I had a loved one in prison. These pressures and emotions from the outside world overwhelmed me and played havoc with my mind and emotions. To have my partner—my husband—suddenly comfort me and "protect" me from these pressures, would often bring a flood of tears. It felt so good to let my guard down, show some vulnerability, and to share life's burden with someone who knew and loved me.

Therefore, a prison visit stretched my emotions to their limits. And heading home was always the worse. I was alone again, the single parent and provider, facing the bills, repairs, household and job responsibilities, and all of the issues of our four boys.

Making the visit go well

Prison visits are something nearly every inmate looks forward to. Visits by family and friends indicate caring and keep hope alive. I can only imagine the daily pressure and stresses that inmates experience, but it is also helpful for the inmate to have an idea of what his loved ones may have to go through to make a visit. Anticipating your visitor’s possible emotions and stresses leads to a better chance that both you and your loved one(s) will walk away with hope and good memories, instead of resentment and frustration.

Remember any sacrifices or difficulties visitors or spouses have overcome to see you—it says a lot about how much they want to see you. Try to understand the pressures they endure to survive on the outside, including the social stigma. No one’s saying your life is easy and I'm sure most prisoners, if they could, would help their family members financially, as well as materially. Most families understand you can't do that right now. Instead, what they need from you is love, support, encouragement, and understanding.

Hug your family as much as allowable. Understand their emotional roller coaster, and honestly share how you feel about their visit. Thank them for their sacrifices. Find ways to praise, encourage, and appreciate all they are doing for you and your family. Really listen to what your spouse says, and ask probing, difficult questions like:

  • Where and from who are you feeling negative pressure because of my incarceration?
  • How can I help you with home life and the children/family members?
  • What fears and concerns do you have?
  • Who can you turn to on the outside for help?
  • Have you found a faith counselor/mentor for yourself and the children?
  • Are you involved in a congregation? Do you feel the members’/pastor’s support?
  • Are there issues you want to discuss freely and openly with me?

Ask, then let her talk while you listen. You may feel she’s all wrong, but hear her out. Remember she’s probably under emotional distress. She needs a chance to express herself while she is with you and you have time to begin to work the issues out. It is far better to discuss "deep" issues in person, than in a phone call or letter. It will probably mean some tears, perhaps even firm but loving words.

With compassion, love, and honesty, a prison visit can be very rewarding. May God be with you on your next visit. I pray it will be a time of joy and renewal for everyone.

CLICK HERE TO RETURN TO STORIES & NEWSPAPER ARTICLES